My head is a mess. I don't know what's going on with it anymore. I'm worried about everything, there isn't one thing in my life that I feel comfortable with right now and I don't even know where to start to fix it.
I'm at the beginning of a relationship and I'm already suffering from the same delusions I had before. I'm already worried that I'm not good enough, that I'm just a temporary measure until something better comes along.
I want to reach out and get someone to help me sort my shit out but I feel like if I were to put my hand out there and wait for someone to grab it, it would be smacked away, like a pesky child trying to steal a cookie.
As far as I'm concerned no one wants to deal with me right now. I won't even book another session with my counsellor because I think that he'll get frustrated with the fact that I just have the same problems over and over and over again. I'm just going in a big fucking circle and it's wearing me out.
Being alive is such a struggle, having to deal with all of the nasty things being said in my head.
I want to just run away and relax and not have to WORRY. About money or friends or boyfriends or sex or work or cleaning. I would really appreciate a break from my head. My chest is tight and I'm constantly referring to an ever growing list of things to do;
Don't disappoint anyone
Don't annoy anyone
Don't lie
Don't cheat
Don't upset anyone
Don't force your opinion
Don't ask for help
Don't be persistent about anything
Earn more money
Make more time to work out
Focus on your job
Focus on the police force
Focus on your relationships with those around you
I'm stretched so thin even though everyone else manages this just fine I seem to be too weak to handle even the most mundane of tasks in life.
I am, without a doubt, a failure as a human.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Friday, April 6, 2012
Hullo
I don't know how many people would have died by the time I've finished writing this post. Firstly because I don't know what I'm going to write about and therefore don't know how long it's going to be and secondly because the internet is so anonymous. It's scary to think how unknown the users are. I follow a blog where people try, as a last ditch attempt, to get some sort of help and because they're all anonymous they all seem like one person threatening to kill themselves over and over and over again. I don't see any follow up posts from any of them and I wonder... 'Did someone just kill themselves right in front of me in real time?' Suicide is so, so fascinating to me. Especially the thoughts that run through a person's head when they believe they've got minutes to live. Do they quickly make sure they've got everything sorted? Do they fret about how their death will affect the people they know? Do they think at all? Is there anything going on in their head at all? I'd love to sit down with a suicide survivor and just talk with them.
I don't like the thought of someone killing themselves without trying to live. I see nothing wrong with suicide, if you're in pain and you need out you should be able to. If there's one thing we should be able to control in our lives it's the time of our demise. But sometimes I think at least half of the successful suicide attempts could have been postponed if not prevented if they just reached out to one person. Just one, someone who can show them compassion and I truly believe you'll find true, strong compassion in strangers, far more than you will with people you know.
Strangers have this way of assuming the worst and thinking that the reason you're so sad must be because of some terrible, terrible, traumatic experience. Whether that's true or not is irrelevant. They'll treat you like you need saving, like you need to live. They won't judge you and use your past in their decision making. They'll look at you and pick you up, dust you off and give you a massive fucking hug. Because they know that's all they can do. Sometimes that's all you need just for the night. When you're feeling shit, on the bottom looking up wondering where else to go. You just need someone who is gentle and kind to hold you for a small amount of time. They don't even need to say anything, they don't have to be a counsellor or a trained professional.
The human spirit is a strong tool that I'm quite proud to possess. I am always here for everyone and I wish I could let that be known to the people that have killed themselves as I'm typing this.
Have faith in me.
I don't like the thought of someone killing themselves without trying to live. I see nothing wrong with suicide, if you're in pain and you need out you should be able to. If there's one thing we should be able to control in our lives it's the time of our demise. But sometimes I think at least half of the successful suicide attempts could have been postponed if not prevented if they just reached out to one person. Just one, someone who can show them compassion and I truly believe you'll find true, strong compassion in strangers, far more than you will with people you know.
Strangers have this way of assuming the worst and thinking that the reason you're so sad must be because of some terrible, terrible, traumatic experience. Whether that's true or not is irrelevant. They'll treat you like you need saving, like you need to live. They won't judge you and use your past in their decision making. They'll look at you and pick you up, dust you off and give you a massive fucking hug. Because they know that's all they can do. Sometimes that's all you need just for the night. When you're feeling shit, on the bottom looking up wondering where else to go. You just need someone who is gentle and kind to hold you for a small amount of time. They don't even need to say anything, they don't have to be a counsellor or a trained professional.
The human spirit is a strong tool that I'm quite proud to possess. I am always here for everyone and I wish I could let that be known to the people that have killed themselves as I'm typing this.
Have faith in me.
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