My head is a mess. I don't know what's going on with it anymore. I'm worried about everything, there isn't one thing in my life that I feel comfortable with right now and I don't even know where to start to fix it.
I'm at the beginning of a relationship and I'm already suffering from the same delusions I had before. I'm already worried that I'm not good enough, that I'm just a temporary measure until something better comes along.
I want to reach out and get someone to help me sort my shit out but I feel like if I were to put my hand out there and wait for someone to grab it, it would be smacked away, like a pesky child trying to steal a cookie.
As far as I'm concerned no one wants to deal with me right now. I won't even book another session with my counsellor because I think that he'll get frustrated with the fact that I just have the same problems over and over and over again. I'm just going in a big fucking circle and it's wearing me out.
Being alive is such a struggle, having to deal with all of the nasty things being said in my head.
I want to just run away and relax and not have to WORRY. About money or friends or boyfriends or sex or work or cleaning. I would really appreciate a break from my head. My chest is tight and I'm constantly referring to an ever growing list of things to do;
Don't disappoint anyone
Don't annoy anyone
Don't lie
Don't cheat
Don't upset anyone
Don't force your opinion
Don't ask for help
Don't be persistent about anything
Earn more money
Make more time to work out
Focus on your job
Focus on the police force
Focus on your relationships with those around you
I'm stretched so thin even though everyone else manages this just fine I seem to be too weak to handle even the most mundane of tasks in life.
I am, without a doubt, a failure as a human.
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