paradox.

My stomach aches at the thought of eating. It's not dinner time and I've had lunch so I shouldn't eat, technically. But no, I'm slipping, I've ceased climbing towards happiness and I'm camping out in a weird middle ground where I can't quite figure out what me thoughts or feelings mean. It seems like I'm happy but if I look at the for long enough I'm extremely depressed. It's like an optical illusion inside my brain. One minute I'm convinced I'm ok and the next I feel my lungs start to contract and my throat closing up and before you know it I'm on the verge of hyperventilating.

I'm scared that this crazy dichotomy that's going on in my head is going to ruin everything for me. I just need to make it to the end of the year. For some reason I think things will be different then. The police force should be fully under way. I should know where I stand with the boy. I should have a better income. But for right now the end is so far away. I'm not entirely sure if I have the energy or willpower to stick it out. What if I fail?

I'll let everyone down. This is my last chance to make something of myself and I don't believe I can do it deep down. Because I believe I was born to die. I don't want to live. I feel like my existence is wrong, off kilter. Just not right.

But if I kill myself with that as an explanation I'll leave a few questions in my wake. I need something solid to happen to me. A reason. A scapegoat.

Or I could just pass away from a 'mystery' illness in my sleep.