Rant.

Every decision I've made in my life feels like it's been pressured. I felt pressured to take QCE subjects at school, I felt pressured to go to uni and now I'm under time pressure to chose what I want to do with my life.

The Police Force don't want me so I now have to look in another direction. Something that's falling into my lap is Personal Training. I don't know if I'm capable of it but it's literally my only option at the moment. I don't know whether the decision to do it is from my own personal wants and needs or from what I feel I should be doing. I'm trying to hard to impress my family and make them see that I'm worth it and I just don't get the feeling they give two fucks what I do with my life.

I'm scared and I've turned into a massive procrastinator because I just want to sit here with my beer and my timtams and relax. :(

In other news I am fucking sick of people again. I remember why I hated them so fiercely last time. Everything is coming flooding back. Christmas brings out the best in most people and the worst in everyone else. There are that select few who turn into complete and utter arse holes come the season of joy. They believe they deserve much more than they're given and will abuse anyone in their way to get what they want. Being behind a register means I'm abused ruthlessly. I'm looked down upon; just a RETAIL WORKER. Let me tell you, I've tried and tried to get out of retail but no one is hiring. Not even retailers are hiring anymore! If I had it my way I wouldn't have to clean up after the fuck ups of society and their snotty nosed children. I wouldn't have to deal with people patronising me as if I'm the one who doesn't know anything. Most of the people I deal with at work are so fucking dumb they wouldn't know their left foot from their right foot. No word of a lie. The accuse me of stealing or trying to 'rip them off'. Which is impossible at the reject shop because you try and haggle the already reduced prices, you're ripping us off.

And another thing that really gets me going is people that spill things and don't let anyone know or don't offer to clean it up. They'll just leave the drink on the floor. Don't want that donut? Kick it under the shelves. It's not that I care about the shop it's that most of the hours in my day are spent there and I'm sick to fucking death of having to clean up after disgusting pigs that are unable to walk to the bin located directly outside of out doors. I am not a cleaner, I am a sales assistant. I help put stock out and sell it. I shouldn't have to tidy the store up when you can't refrain your child from picking up every noise making thing in the shop and putting it somewhere else. Just fuck you all.

I've been drained of all my anger tonight. I'm sorry.

I feel like a giant living in a gnome's house.

I feel like a prisoner in my own home. Because my parents don't want anything to do with me and I'm confined to me room. There is nothing else of mine in any other room in the house. My room is all I have. 21 years of existence and it's all in a 3x3 room. Cramped in here. I've lost things and found things.

I'm losing track of everything.

I'm getting sad again.

I was pushed away by a person I stupidly assumed cared about me. My parents aren't really speaking to me because they're wrapped up in their own lives. I feel so, so very neglected at the moment and the only people that could possible fix it are unable to. Or unwilling to.

Bianca fights the world on her own as usual. No one by her side.

Fucking hell.

I'm falling. I'm stressed. All my frivolity is taking it's toll. I'm scared. I have someone there to help me now but I don't know if he's willing to help me out again. Last time I needed help getting out we ended up fighting violently. I'm just worried. And stressed and worried and stressed and worried and stressed and worried and stressed.

And it goes round and round and round and round and round and round.

Killing me slowly again.

I'm so weird. I don't know why I'm like this.

Every time I meet someone new I adapt so much that I become just like them. I pick up their mannerisms, things the say and do. Their interests and it's because I assume people like to be around people like them. And I crave being liked. God knows why, people hurt other people.

I'm a collection of everyone I've ever met. I don't even know who I am any more. Anything I do or say I have to double guess, "Is this for me or for everyone else?" And most times I don't know the answer.

Babies.

I'm not a parent. I don't ever want to be but I am human and I observe parents and the way the interact with their children. The way you speak to your kid can really affect how they're going to grow up. If you constantly TELL them what to do and are always mad because they don't seem to automatically KNOW what to do then you should probably just knock yourself off now because we don't need your genes in the gene pool anymore.

I saw a lady get her son to put some products on the counter in the most demeaning way. She didn't ask him. She yelled at him to put them on the counter. She chastised him for literally no reason. So when the purchase was complete she yelled at him to put them back in the trolley. She treated her child like he had no brain then got mad at him when he didn't think for himself. For fuck's sake that pisses me off. If you want your child to think for themselves and show some initiative let them make some mistakes and learn. How could you POSSIBLY expect your kid to grow up and do things for themselves if you're looking over their shoulder yelling at them to do something and yelling at them if they do it wrong.

Sometimes I think I'd make a great fucking parent.

But then again I think I'm kinda better at everything than anyone. It's not my fault I'm proven right most of the time.

The calm before the storm.

Everything is calm.

I'm at a beach and everything is calm. The sun isn't too intense, the breeze isn't too strong and the clouds move at a rate that gives me alternating shade and sun time. I can see the storm that has just passed. I can see the damage it has done and the people trying to fix it all. The smell of rain still lingers and makes the air slightly moist.

As the storm moves further and further away I look to the sea, to the horizon, a definitive line between air and water and I wander what is waiting for me. I'm scared to move in case it hastens the next storm or brings the old one back. I'm scared my subconscious, which is still drunk from the last down pour, is waking and banging on the four walls of the windowless room I've locked him in. He's growing weary and his fits are becoming more aggressive. Any attempts I make to calm him are futile; my words fall on deaf ears.

The wind picks up and blows my hair around, whipping my face and neck. I know there will be another storm but I want to build a fortress that it can't ever break down. I hope that there is enough time. I hope that I can have some help, some support in building it, let me stand on my two feet, regain my balance and face the next storm recharged and ready to fight. The storm devastated my little, peaceful town once and I can't have it happen again. The foundations of this town are cracking and one more storm could wipe it out completely. Leaving nothing but a sandy reach, a desolate place where no one goes.

Bitches be crazy

Excuse my poor grammar.

Girls are insane and I kind of don't like being one sometimes when I hear about the shit they do. The mind games and the bitching and the feuding and the insecurities. We're just built to be crazy. There's moments when I feel a girl-spasm coming on and realise that it's the total wrong way to react to the situation and prevent it from happening. I'm trying my best to keep my deluded view of my own superiority out of this but I just don't get why other girls can't tame this beast we all seem to have in us. Even the butch-est, gayest of girls are still primarily, instinctually girls.

We read into things when we know we shouldn't. We read messages that aren't for us, we do digging, we fight, we scream. We create drama and then complain that life is too stressful. I HATE hearing about issues that involve girls. I'd much, much rather talk about someones depression or what's going on at home than listen to some female bitch and moan about the pettiest of things. And the worst part is girls force lies out of each other.

If a female comes to you complaining about a boyfriend not treating her right or a friend that's been a bit of a dog, just tell her what she wants to here. Because god forbid you tell her the truth. God forbid she hears that her boyfriend really is an arsehole and she should break up with him (not that she'd take that advice) or that her best friend is a total bitch or that she's being overly dramatic about the whole thing. Oh no! Don't you dare tell a girl the truth. Because lying is all we know. Lying is what we're good at.

And I can't link that to anything in the cerebellum. There is not instinct that would possibly coerce us into lying and back stabbing like we do. The only thing I can say is that I believe females need to have their own way. We need to have things our way and everyday seems like a struggle to get it because there's so many other girls looking to get the exact same thing.

I wish it were different and more girls were willing to acknowledge and accept it so they would fucking move on and grow the fuck up.

Because I think we could all benefit from being more manly, mentally sometimes.