New years

Bringing in the new year alone. I'm standing on a razorblade edge, struggling to stay upright.

But sometimes I have things to catch me if I fall and othertimes I'll look down and there's nothing there, just a grey, smokey haze. What would happen if I fell again? I've got a good hold on something this time and my lonliness isn't dragging me down like it usually does. Other people's happiness doesn't make me bitter like it used to. But nothing makes me happy either, not for a substantial amount of time. I was excited about my new bed spread for about half an hour. Then I put it on my bed and it's now just a bed spread. No one will see the bedspread anymore. My trainers can see the weight I'm putting on. No one believes I can join the police force. No one has faith, they all want me to just shut up and get a degree like everyone else does.

I don't want to become a drone.

Why is suicide still so appealing to me? Why does the word have such a beauty about it? Why do I imagine scars on my wrist? I'm trying to feed this child in my head, but it's never satiated. I'd addicted to self destruction but I'm too smart to let myself do that. Too fucking worried about the outcome to let myself truly let go and fuck up.

I've lost the motivation, determination to keep going. I just want to sit. Or stand. Be still. Exist. Let everything spin around me. Be invisible. I want to bleed, I want to see red. I want to paint with my blood. Because that's all I'm living for, to pump this red liquid around a body.

I'm making myself sad. I guess if I delve deep enough into what I'm feeling... I'm not... right. Maybe that's what vodka does. Let's my defences down so I can access my own feelings.

Eminem is amazing. His voice is captivating. When he's playing I just can't help but listen. He is admirable, he has created who he is. He deserves respect just like Manson and Cobain do.

Doormats and Closed Doors.

Two things.

You're sick of the place? You hate how they misuse you? You don't like how you're used?

Well if you didn't fucking bow down and present your arse to them in the first place you probably wouldn't be raped by them. If you bow down to someone by choice because you 'can't say no' to an extra shift at work then don't you dare try to tell me that they've SUDDENLY turned into a horrible workplace. You knew christmas was going to be busy, you work at two stores, expect twice the amount of hours and twice the amount of freaking work.

FUCK I'm pissed off. And she then had the balls to literally throw the things she was holding at me as if I planned this all along. I made you a pussy who can't stand up for themselves just so I could watch you breakdown and hate the world.

Get the fuck over yourself. Look at the bigger picture. You're not the only person in the workplace experiencing unfair treatment and no one else is complaining. Let me know when your fucking period si over and you've removed your last tampon. I might be willing to listen then.

Secondly, this kind of ties in with that ^, why can't people compromise anymore? Oh you have to live in a caravan park for a week while you're between houses? And you're complaining that you aare going to have to pay all of these bills? Firstly... you'd have to pay those bills ANYWAY and secondly... harden the FUCK up. It's TEMPORARY. It doesn't matter. It really doesn't. I don't have time to listen to people whinge about how things aren't going their way.

Here's something that I've learnt and it works in every life situation. I shit you not. Adapt. Make a compromise. Change something. Stop being so stubborn and narrow minded. For fuck's sake I can't handle the human race. And not only does it affect you personally but if you can't compromise you're a closed door to anyone else willing to compromise. A domino effect and no one will budge.

I just..

This kind of shit makes me want to die. I'm not kidding. I don't want to be on this planet with such selfish, ignorant, inconsiderate fucks.

Please prove me wrong.

It's the end of the world as we know it.

I don't want to work until I die. I want to travel, I don't want to do someone else's dirty work, I want to wake up in a different place each week. I want to find the best town in Australia and move there but if I'm working full time when am I going to get to do that?

When do we find time to be ourselves and live? And breathe? I want to experience ... things. Not because life is short and all that bullshit. Because the world is ending, one continent at a time and I want to fucking be happy for once. For one god damned year I want to not freak out about the future.

Living each day in the moment sounds brilliant but it's easier said than done. You can't just waltz off and buy a plane ticket to Italy tomorrow without some repercussion.

I've been thinking, lately, about how the world would be if I ruled it. Let me tell you, it would be fucking amazing. No money. No CEOs. It'd be closer to an amish community than the world as we know it now. I just wish people would calm the fuck down. Smoke some weed if that's what kills the motor. Maybe that's why I'm still alive, I want to save the world.

One person at a time.