Fucking hell.

I'm falling. I'm stressed. All my frivolity is taking it's toll. I'm scared. I have someone there to help me now but I don't know if he's willing to help me out again. Last time I needed help getting out we ended up fighting violently. I'm just worried. And stressed and worried and stressed and worried and stressed and worried and stressed.

And it goes round and round and round and round and round and round.

Killing me slowly again.

I'm so weird. I don't know why I'm like this.

Every time I meet someone new I adapt so much that I become just like them. I pick up their mannerisms, things the say and do. Their interests and it's because I assume people like to be around people like them. And I crave being liked. God knows why, people hurt other people.

I'm a collection of everyone I've ever met. I don't even know who I am any more. Anything I do or say I have to double guess, "Is this for me or for everyone else?" And most times I don't know the answer.

Babies.

I'm not a parent. I don't ever want to be but I am human and I observe parents and the way the interact with their children. The way you speak to your kid can really affect how they're going to grow up. If you constantly TELL them what to do and are always mad because they don't seem to automatically KNOW what to do then you should probably just knock yourself off now because we don't need your genes in the gene pool anymore.

I saw a lady get her son to put some products on the counter in the most demeaning way. She didn't ask him. She yelled at him to put them on the counter. She chastised him for literally no reason. So when the purchase was complete she yelled at him to put them back in the trolley. She treated her child like he had no brain then got mad at him when he didn't think for himself. For fuck's sake that pisses me off. If you want your child to think for themselves and show some initiative let them make some mistakes and learn. How could you POSSIBLY expect your kid to grow up and do things for themselves if you're looking over their shoulder yelling at them to do something and yelling at them if they do it wrong.

Sometimes I think I'd make a great fucking parent.

But then again I think I'm kinda better at everything than anyone. It's not my fault I'm proven right most of the time.

The calm before the storm.

Everything is calm.

I'm at a beach and everything is calm. The sun isn't too intense, the breeze isn't too strong and the clouds move at a rate that gives me alternating shade and sun time. I can see the storm that has just passed. I can see the damage it has done and the people trying to fix it all. The smell of rain still lingers and makes the air slightly moist.

As the storm moves further and further away I look to the sea, to the horizon, a definitive line between air and water and I wander what is waiting for me. I'm scared to move in case it hastens the next storm or brings the old one back. I'm scared my subconscious, which is still drunk from the last down pour, is waking and banging on the four walls of the windowless room I've locked him in. He's growing weary and his fits are becoming more aggressive. Any attempts I make to calm him are futile; my words fall on deaf ears.

The wind picks up and blows my hair around, whipping my face and neck. I know there will be another storm but I want to build a fortress that it can't ever break down. I hope that there is enough time. I hope that I can have some help, some support in building it, let me stand on my two feet, regain my balance and face the next storm recharged and ready to fight. The storm devastated my little, peaceful town once and I can't have it happen again. The foundations of this town are cracking and one more storm could wipe it out completely. Leaving nothing but a sandy reach, a desolate place where no one goes.

Bitches be crazy

Excuse my poor grammar.

Girls are insane and I kind of don't like being one sometimes when I hear about the shit they do. The mind games and the bitching and the feuding and the insecurities. We're just built to be crazy. There's moments when I feel a girl-spasm coming on and realise that it's the total wrong way to react to the situation and prevent it from happening. I'm trying my best to keep my deluded view of my own superiority out of this but I just don't get why other girls can't tame this beast we all seem to have in us. Even the butch-est, gayest of girls are still primarily, instinctually girls.

We read into things when we know we shouldn't. We read messages that aren't for us, we do digging, we fight, we scream. We create drama and then complain that life is too stressful. I HATE hearing about issues that involve girls. I'd much, much rather talk about someones depression or what's going on at home than listen to some female bitch and moan about the pettiest of things. And the worst part is girls force lies out of each other.

If a female comes to you complaining about a boyfriend not treating her right or a friend that's been a bit of a dog, just tell her what she wants to here. Because god forbid you tell her the truth. God forbid she hears that her boyfriend really is an arsehole and she should break up with him (not that she'd take that advice) or that her best friend is a total bitch or that she's being overly dramatic about the whole thing. Oh no! Don't you dare tell a girl the truth. Because lying is all we know. Lying is what we're good at.

And I can't link that to anything in the cerebellum. There is not instinct that would possibly coerce us into lying and back stabbing like we do. The only thing I can say is that I believe females need to have their own way. We need to have things our way and everyday seems like a struggle to get it because there's so many other girls looking to get the exact same thing.

I wish it were different and more girls were willing to acknowledge and accept it so they would fucking move on and grow the fuck up.

Because I think we could all benefit from being more manly, mentally sometimes.

paradox.

My stomach aches at the thought of eating. It's not dinner time and I've had lunch so I shouldn't eat, technically. But no, I'm slipping, I've ceased climbing towards happiness and I'm camping out in a weird middle ground where I can't quite figure out what me thoughts or feelings mean. It seems like I'm happy but if I look at the for long enough I'm extremely depressed. It's like an optical illusion inside my brain. One minute I'm convinced I'm ok and the next I feel my lungs start to contract and my throat closing up and before you know it I'm on the verge of hyperventilating.

I'm scared that this crazy dichotomy that's going on in my head is going to ruin everything for me. I just need to make it to the end of the year. For some reason I think things will be different then. The police force should be fully under way. I should know where I stand with the boy. I should have a better income. But for right now the end is so far away. I'm not entirely sure if I have the energy or willpower to stick it out. What if I fail?

I'll let everyone down. This is my last chance to make something of myself and I don't believe I can do it deep down. Because I believe I was born to die. I don't want to live. I feel like my existence is wrong, off kilter. Just not right.

But if I kill myself with that as an explanation I'll leave a few questions in my wake. I need something solid to happen to me. A reason. A scapegoat.

Or I could just pass away from a 'mystery' illness in my sleep.

Disappointing

I came on here with a purpose and I've since lost it.

I get quickly distracted and completely lose my train of thought.

This pressure I've put myself under is immense and I'm struggling. One second I want to cry and the next... I just want to slip away.

Fucking rollercoaster from hell.

I'm sorry.