Does what I'm taking seem to bother you? Well, that's ok.

It's all new. My room, this house, my hair, the job. My whole life is changing... I'm changing.

And still I can't sleep. Perhaps it is stress because we're in the process of buying a house, I've just started a job 5 days a week, which is killing me because I went from lounging around at home all day to standing and working. I know it comes with the territory of work, being tired all the time but I've been unable to sleep for a while. Ever since we moved down here, actually.

The whole thing was a little traumatic and blurred and then all of the sudden it ground to a halt. And we were stuck in a new house, rent piling up with no food in the cupboard. It's all sailing smoothly now but I feel drained. I'm trying to mend myself whilst doing the housework. I'm trying to sleep while serving customers. I'm try to be silent while blaring my music. I'm kind of trying to live as two different people. I know I'm going to go to bed, lay down and wriggle about for an hour before I finally drift off then one or two hours later I'll decide to move and I'm awake wondering what the time is, if it's too early to get up.

I guess for the past 2 months I've been running on adrenaline and the will to prove to myself that even though my heart has had it's first break, it could have been worse. Now things have slowed, life is back on track. I have a bed now, we are in an actual house, I have income my body is just realising that it doesn't really remember a whole lot from the last 2 months. I think when I'm 60 I'll have this massive gap in time from when I was 16 to when I was 19, I don't really know what happened, who I was seeing, what I was thinking. I've documented most of my teenage life and I look forward to reading and seeing it all when I've completely left this stage. For someone who didn't give two shits about her future, I sure kept track of my past.

My bouts of self loathing aren't as bad anymore. I don't feel a need to punish myself.

I wish I could sleep. I wish I could wake up refreshed and alive. I'm afraid I've turned into the shell of a human being, like all the other adults out there. And who do I share this worry with? My fucking blog.