She still floats.

I get upset and scared by some of the things I read on Tumblr. Most of the people I follow post typical Tumblr things but there's a few that I wish would talk to me. I don't know them, their story and they don't know me. But there are people out there that need someone and it fucking makes me sick that their friends and family have deserted them and they've resorted to finding solace in an online community.

Everyone on Tumblr says they're there for each other and I don't understand, if there are billions of users, why the world isn't as giving and thoughtful as Tumblr leads me to believe. Maybe we're so focused on segregating different parts of our lives that the people we communicate with on the Internet are completely separate to those we see everyday. Ultimately the Internet is anonymous and you don't know who you're talking to.

I just get really sad and worried about the youth that is out there, right now thinking about killing themselves. I keep thinking that I could have saved them. Maybe if they talking to me or if I reached out to them I could have saved them. I could have prolonged their life just a little and made it better. I want so bad to affect someones life in a positive way because I believe I've only really effected people negatively. I want someone to know that there is a person out there waiting to hear from them, waiting to know that they're alive and kicking. I want someone to find colour again. Put a smile on some one's face.

I need to be involved with the youth of Australia some how and I think volunteering with lifeline is a start. I want to start a fucking revolution, I want to change my town, my state, my country.

I want this place to be a place where people want to live, not die.

It appears I'm only writing to one person on here. I don't know who you are. Do you have any requests? Would you like to know my opinion on something?

Right now I'm battling some kind of battle between wanting to be healthy and wanting to eat everything until I vomit. And out of no where a voice tells me I shouldn't eat at all.

The fucking weather is shit and I feel like this. Yesterday was sunny and beautiful and I was motivated, excited about my progress. Now, I look outside and all I want to do is cry and sleep and drink tea and alcohol. I need to leave this climate. I need the police force to work out for me. Just this one thing I can't let myself fuck up.

Sorry for disappointing you.

Superiority complex?

I'm anonymous on Tumblr, I just reblog, it's just a past time for me. The people on there are... just like me. It's astounding how much I think, where are these people in real life?! Why don't I have friends like this? But when I read this, I felt like it was written about me. For me. I have an issue with thinking that I'm better than anyone else. I went and saw a counsellor and he said that I'm very intelligent. It fuelled the fire and then he turned around and told me I was no different. I wasn't as unique as I thought I was. Not as special as I want to be. This post on tumblr was like hearing that again. If I don't have superiority I don't have anything. I think it has something to do with being an eldest child. There's a lot of studies about it. Maybe that's part of the reason that I want to join the police force. Any career that I choose I would aim to be the boss of everyone. The one that everyone seeks help from. Of course, I've never had arguments on Tumblr or ever even said the C-word. I can't even type it. But I do get frustrated when people use poor grammar, don't make sense, fail to see logic. I find it difficult to be around someone who is so content with being... stupid. Not because of a disability but because they didn't feel that they needed education, they didn't NEED to learn how to spell correctly. It shits me that there are still people that don't appreciate the free (to a degree) education we're offered. Some people just don't have the desire to learn, I know that.
I wish everything was different.
I also hate being patronised. I can guarantee that I know more than most people over 25 in Melton. People don't know as much as you think they do.


...There I go again.

New years

Bringing in the new year alone. I'm standing on a razorblade edge, struggling to stay upright.

But sometimes I have things to catch me if I fall and othertimes I'll look down and there's nothing there, just a grey, smokey haze. What would happen if I fell again? I've got a good hold on something this time and my lonliness isn't dragging me down like it usually does. Other people's happiness doesn't make me bitter like it used to. But nothing makes me happy either, not for a substantial amount of time. I was excited about my new bed spread for about half an hour. Then I put it on my bed and it's now just a bed spread. No one will see the bedspread anymore. My trainers can see the weight I'm putting on. No one believes I can join the police force. No one has faith, they all want me to just shut up and get a degree like everyone else does.

I don't want to become a drone.

Why is suicide still so appealing to me? Why does the word have such a beauty about it? Why do I imagine scars on my wrist? I'm trying to feed this child in my head, but it's never satiated. I'd addicted to self destruction but I'm too smart to let myself do that. Too fucking worried about the outcome to let myself truly let go and fuck up.

I've lost the motivation, determination to keep going. I just want to sit. Or stand. Be still. Exist. Let everything spin around me. Be invisible. I want to bleed, I want to see red. I want to paint with my blood. Because that's all I'm living for, to pump this red liquid around a body.

I'm making myself sad. I guess if I delve deep enough into what I'm feeling... I'm not... right. Maybe that's what vodka does. Let's my defences down so I can access my own feelings.

Eminem is amazing. His voice is captivating. When he's playing I just can't help but listen. He is admirable, he has created who he is. He deserves respect just like Manson and Cobain do.

Doormats and Closed Doors.

Two things.

You're sick of the place? You hate how they misuse you? You don't like how you're used?

Well if you didn't fucking bow down and present your arse to them in the first place you probably wouldn't be raped by them. If you bow down to someone by choice because you 'can't say no' to an extra shift at work then don't you dare try to tell me that they've SUDDENLY turned into a horrible workplace. You knew christmas was going to be busy, you work at two stores, expect twice the amount of hours and twice the amount of freaking work.

FUCK I'm pissed off. And she then had the balls to literally throw the things she was holding at me as if I planned this all along. I made you a pussy who can't stand up for themselves just so I could watch you breakdown and hate the world.

Get the fuck over yourself. Look at the bigger picture. You're not the only person in the workplace experiencing unfair treatment and no one else is complaining. Let me know when your fucking period si over and you've removed your last tampon. I might be willing to listen then.

Secondly, this kind of ties in with that ^, why can't people compromise anymore? Oh you have to live in a caravan park for a week while you're between houses? And you're complaining that you aare going to have to pay all of these bills? Firstly... you'd have to pay those bills ANYWAY and secondly... harden the FUCK up. It's TEMPORARY. It doesn't matter. It really doesn't. I don't have time to listen to people whinge about how things aren't going their way.

Here's something that I've learnt and it works in every life situation. I shit you not. Adapt. Make a compromise. Change something. Stop being so stubborn and narrow minded. For fuck's sake I can't handle the human race. And not only does it affect you personally but if you can't compromise you're a closed door to anyone else willing to compromise. A domino effect and no one will budge.

I just..

This kind of shit makes me want to die. I'm not kidding. I don't want to be on this planet with such selfish, ignorant, inconsiderate fucks.

Please prove me wrong.

It's the end of the world as we know it.

I don't want to work until I die. I want to travel, I don't want to do someone else's dirty work, I want to wake up in a different place each week. I want to find the best town in Australia and move there but if I'm working full time when am I going to get to do that?

When do we find time to be ourselves and live? And breathe? I want to experience ... things. Not because life is short and all that bullshit. Because the world is ending, one continent at a time and I want to fucking be happy for once. For one god damned year I want to not freak out about the future.

Living each day in the moment sounds brilliant but it's easier said than done. You can't just waltz off and buy a plane ticket to Italy tomorrow without some repercussion.

I've been thinking, lately, about how the world would be if I ruled it. Let me tell you, it would be fucking amazing. No money. No CEOs. It'd be closer to an amish community than the world as we know it now. I just wish people would calm the fuck down. Smoke some weed if that's what kills the motor. Maybe that's why I'm still alive, I want to save the world.

One person at a time.

Cars.

I love cars. I appreciate their power, the aesthetics. I like to look at them, I like to drive them. Cars help everyone get around.

But the minute you let a total idiot get behind a Holden Statesman fully tricked out with big wheels and blinding chrome they think they're a god. I don't appreciate cars like that right up my arse, with their big V8 engine revving, trying to make me break the law for them. How about you take your big engine and shut it up your pee hole. I've had a fucking banana smoothie thrown at my car, I've been blocked from turning onto my street by wankers, I've been tooted at and given the finger because I obey the road rules and because my car is small. No, my four straight cylinders can't match your V8, but I'm not the one going to total my car trying to show how fucking powerful I am to the 'common' folk. And when you try to overtake me and you're on the other side of the road I'm going to speed up... because I'm a whore like that. Spite is my weapon. I hope one day I'll make someone have a head on collision. The less cock heads spreading their genes around, the better, really. :)

I don't fucking get why people think they own the road. If someone is going slower than the speed limit I'll let the know kindly to speed the fuck up. But when I'm doing the speed limit and on the verge of losing my licence I don't want some arrogant wog with this rip off brand name sunnies and blonde, bimbo trophy wife screaming abuse at me (which I can't hear) through my rear vision mirror.

Back the fuck off my arse. Swear to god everyone will feel better.