paradox.

My stomach aches at the thought of eating. It's not dinner time and I've had lunch so I shouldn't eat, technically. But no, I'm slipping, I've ceased climbing towards happiness and I'm camping out in a weird middle ground where I can't quite figure out what me thoughts or feelings mean. It seems like I'm happy but if I look at the for long enough I'm extremely depressed. It's like an optical illusion inside my brain. One minute I'm convinced I'm ok and the next I feel my lungs start to contract and my throat closing up and before you know it I'm on the verge of hyperventilating.

I'm scared that this crazy dichotomy that's going on in my head is going to ruin everything for me. I just need to make it to the end of the year. For some reason I think things will be different then. The police force should be fully under way. I should know where I stand with the boy. I should have a better income. But for right now the end is so far away. I'm not entirely sure if I have the energy or willpower to stick it out. What if I fail?

I'll let everyone down. This is my last chance to make something of myself and I don't believe I can do it deep down. Because I believe I was born to die. I don't want to live. I feel like my existence is wrong, off kilter. Just not right.

But if I kill myself with that as an explanation I'll leave a few questions in my wake. I need something solid to happen to me. A reason. A scapegoat.

Or I could just pass away from a 'mystery' illness in my sleep.

Disappointing

I came on here with a purpose and I've since lost it.

I get quickly distracted and completely lose my train of thought.

This pressure I've put myself under is immense and I'm struggling. One second I want to cry and the next... I just want to slip away.

Fucking rollercoaster from hell.

I'm sorry.

They tell me that it's over and I'm fine again.

My head is a mess. I don't know what's going on with it anymore. I'm worried about everything, there isn't one thing in my life that I feel comfortable with right now and I don't even know where to start to fix it.

I'm at the beginning of a relationship and I'm already suffering from the same delusions I had before. I'm already worried that I'm not good enough, that I'm just a temporary measure until something better comes along.

I want to reach out and get someone to help me sort my shit out but I feel like if I were to put my hand out there and wait for someone to grab it, it would be smacked away, like a pesky child trying to steal a cookie.

As far as I'm concerned no one wants to deal with me right now. I won't even book another session with my counsellor because I think that he'll get frustrated with the fact that I just have the same problems over and over and over again. I'm just going in a big fucking circle and it's wearing me out.

Being alive is such a struggle, having to deal with all of the nasty things being said in my head.

I want to just run away and relax and not have to WORRY. About money or friends or boyfriends or sex or work or cleaning. I would really appreciate a break from my head. My chest is tight and I'm constantly referring to an ever growing list of things to do;

Don't disappoint anyone
Don't annoy anyone
Don't lie
Don't cheat
Don't upset anyone
Don't force your opinion
Don't ask for help
Don't be persistent about anything
Earn more money
Make more time to work out
Focus on your job
Focus on the police force
Focus on your relationships with those around you

I'm stretched so thin even though everyone else manages this just fine I seem to be too weak to handle even the most mundane of tasks in life.

I am, without a doubt, a failure as a human.

Hullo

I don't know how many people would have died by the time I've finished writing this post. Firstly because I don't know what I'm going  to write about and therefore don't know how long it's going to be and secondly because the internet is so anonymous. It's scary to think how unknown the users are. I follow a blog where people try, as a last ditch attempt, to get some sort of help and because they're all anonymous they all seem like one person threatening to kill themselves over and over and over again. I don't see any follow up posts from any of them and I wonder... 'Did someone just kill themselves right in front of me in real time?' Suicide is so, so fascinating to me. Especially the thoughts that run through a person's head when they believe they've got minutes to live. Do they quickly make sure they've got everything sorted? Do they fret about how their death will affect the people they know? Do they think at all? Is there anything going on in their head at all? I'd love to sit down with a suicide survivor and just talk with them.

I don't like the thought of someone killing themselves without trying to live. I see nothing wrong with suicide, if you're in pain and you need out you should be able to. If there's one thing we should be able to control in our lives it's the time of our demise. But sometimes I think at least half of the successful suicide attempts could have been postponed if not prevented if they just reached out to one person. Just one, someone who can show them compassion and I truly believe you'll find true, strong compassion in strangers, far more than you will with people you know.

Strangers have this way of assuming the worst and thinking that the reason you're so sad must be because of some terrible, terrible, traumatic experience. Whether that's true or not is irrelevant. They'll treat you like you need saving, like you need to live. They won't judge you and use your past in their decision making. They'll look at you and pick you up, dust you off and give you a massive fucking hug. Because they know that's all they can do. Sometimes that's all you need just for the night. When you're feeling shit, on the bottom looking up wondering where else to go. You just need someone who is gentle and kind to hold you for a small amount of time. They don't even need to say anything, they don't have to be a counsellor or a trained professional.

The human spirit is a strong tool that I'm quite proud to possess. I am always here for everyone and I wish I could let that be known to the people that have killed themselves as I'm typing this.

Have faith in me.

This fucking generation. My fucking generation.

People are so quick to judge and put things in the 'wrong' basket. On impluse they'll reject everything until it's proven to be safe and then crawl out from their caves and accept it. Of course I'm talking about the 'Kony' situation.

I understand what the guy is trying to do and believe it or not, he's fucking succeeded whether it was in the way he intended or not. Perhaps it was his plan all along. As soon as the video came out everyone started attacking it, right down to grammar and superflous incorrect pieces of information.

It's almost as it some people are so fucking scared of being 'wrong' or 'left wing' that they would prefer to be harsh judges than active, thoughtful, individual citizens. God forbid you are ridiculed on the internet or thought of as 'weird' because you support a cause that others see unfit. Fuck them.

The guy that has organised Kony 2012 was intending to get the crimes of Kony recognised, get his name in the news and make it a global matter that Kony is stopped. You know what the stuck-up-starbuck-drinking-apple-iPad users are saying? That the information is incorrect, the Children Soldiers aren't attacking Uganda and haven't been for 5 years,  they've moved to other countries and the attacks have decreased in ubiquity and severity. That, in my way of thinking, is a fucking stupid thing to point out. The point of the movement wasn't to 'educate everyone in the world on the location of Uganda as well as get MORE armed forces into the country' the purpose was to 'get Kony famous and make the U.S GOVERNMENT realise that it is an important, relevant issue of which the funding should not be cut or decreased. He is not asking for a war in Uganda he is pleading to the people to make sure the governments know that Kony must be stopped and that can't happen if the government doesn't realise that millions of people care about it and will be ropeable if Kony is left to continue his horrible crimes.

Another point the anti-Kony 2012 clan made was the the funding that was donated was not entirely spent on the Ugandan people, most of it went to advertising material. Again, I see nothing wrong with this. I don't recall, after watching the video, hearing that the money I pledged would be used solely to help those who have been injured or otherwise affected by attacks from the LRA. The organisation wasn't set up as a charity for 'Victims of the LRA', it was set up to get people to get Kony's name out there. To get people to recognise the types of crimes that are being committed under the dark veil of TV commercialisation. And IT FUCKING WORKED. So if I had organised this whole thing and had people complaining that I had a few facts wrong and blah this and blah that but they now knew Kony's name... I would have succeeded and that's all that matters. Soon the governments will become interested with the hype the internet has created and the massive segregationg that has formed as people argue the integrity of the whole thing.

The bottom line is, if you're still reading, that Kony will be stopped, which ever country he is in, with what ever dwindling army he has left. So fuck the haters. :)

I'm suffocating.

I made a mistake. My anger got the better of me. I need to hurt myself, I need something to show my parents when they question me about what I did. I can show them; 'see, look, I've already been punished. Just go back to you blinding ignorance, it's fine.'

Old shit that was in the drafts folder #2

People have a right to judge.

As long as they have seen everything, done everything, smelt everything, heard everything, though everything. And I mean EVERYTHING.

I know my situation is nothing compared to those who have hard time trying to find food for the family. But about a week ago we were trying to find things that we could sell to Cash Converters just to get fuel in our cars. After dealing with the chest pains that gave me I became more aware of those how are actually facing financial hardship must feel. We see people wearing the cheapest clothes and shoes available and we call them poor or lazy. We judge. But we don't know what it's like to have no money. We don't full comprehend a situation unless we are experiencing it. I think a lot of the Human Race's ability to sympathise has been lost over recent years due to events such as 9/11 and all the bombings that followed, as well as the natural disasters the world is throwing at as at a rate of one per year.