Rant.

Every decision I've made in my life feels like it's been pressured. I felt pressured to take QCE subjects at school, I felt pressured to go to uni and now I'm under time pressure to chose what I want to do with my life.

The Police Force don't want me so I now have to look in another direction. Something that's falling into my lap is Personal Training. I don't know if I'm capable of it but it's literally my only option at the moment. I don't know whether the decision to do it is from my own personal wants and needs or from what I feel I should be doing. I'm trying to hard to impress my family and make them see that I'm worth it and I just don't get the feeling they give two fucks what I do with my life.

I'm scared and I've turned into a massive procrastinator because I just want to sit here with my beer and my timtams and relax. :(

In other news I am fucking sick of people again. I remember why I hated them so fiercely last time. Everything is coming flooding back. Christmas brings out the best in most people and the worst in everyone else. There are that select few who turn into complete and utter arse holes come the season of joy. They believe they deserve much more than they're given and will abuse anyone in their way to get what they want. Being behind a register means I'm abused ruthlessly. I'm looked down upon; just a RETAIL WORKER. Let me tell you, I've tried and tried to get out of retail but no one is hiring. Not even retailers are hiring anymore! If I had it my way I wouldn't have to clean up after the fuck ups of society and their snotty nosed children. I wouldn't have to deal with people patronising me as if I'm the one who doesn't know anything. Most of the people I deal with at work are so fucking dumb they wouldn't know their left foot from their right foot. No word of a lie. The accuse me of stealing or trying to 'rip them off'. Which is impossible at the reject shop because you try and haggle the already reduced prices, you're ripping us off.

And another thing that really gets me going is people that spill things and don't let anyone know or don't offer to clean it up. They'll just leave the drink on the floor. Don't want that donut? Kick it under the shelves. It's not that I care about the shop it's that most of the hours in my day are spent there and I'm sick to fucking death of having to clean up after disgusting pigs that are unable to walk to the bin located directly outside of out doors. I am not a cleaner, I am a sales assistant. I help put stock out and sell it. I shouldn't have to tidy the store up when you can't refrain your child from picking up every noise making thing in the shop and putting it somewhere else. Just fuck you all.

I've been drained of all my anger tonight. I'm sorry.

I feel like a giant living in a gnome's house.

I feel like a prisoner in my own home. Because my parents don't want anything to do with me and I'm confined to me room. There is nothing else of mine in any other room in the house. My room is all I have. 21 years of existence and it's all in a 3x3 room. Cramped in here. I've lost things and found things.

I'm losing track of everything.

I'm getting sad again.

I was pushed away by a person I stupidly assumed cared about me. My parents aren't really speaking to me because they're wrapped up in their own lives. I feel so, so very neglected at the moment and the only people that could possible fix it are unable to. Or unwilling to.

Bianca fights the world on her own as usual. No one by her side.

Fucking hell.

I'm falling. I'm stressed. All my frivolity is taking it's toll. I'm scared. I have someone there to help me now but I don't know if he's willing to help me out again. Last time I needed help getting out we ended up fighting violently. I'm just worried. And stressed and worried and stressed and worried and stressed and worried and stressed.

And it goes round and round and round and round and round and round.

Killing me slowly again.

I'm so weird. I don't know why I'm like this.

Every time I meet someone new I adapt so much that I become just like them. I pick up their mannerisms, things the say and do. Their interests and it's because I assume people like to be around people like them. And I crave being liked. God knows why, people hurt other people.

I'm a collection of everyone I've ever met. I don't even know who I am any more. Anything I do or say I have to double guess, "Is this for me or for everyone else?" And most times I don't know the answer.

Babies.

I'm not a parent. I don't ever want to be but I am human and I observe parents and the way the interact with their children. The way you speak to your kid can really affect how they're going to grow up. If you constantly TELL them what to do and are always mad because they don't seem to automatically KNOW what to do then you should probably just knock yourself off now because we don't need your genes in the gene pool anymore.

I saw a lady get her son to put some products on the counter in the most demeaning way. She didn't ask him. She yelled at him to put them on the counter. She chastised him for literally no reason. So when the purchase was complete she yelled at him to put them back in the trolley. She treated her child like he had no brain then got mad at him when he didn't think for himself. For fuck's sake that pisses me off. If you want your child to think for themselves and show some initiative let them make some mistakes and learn. How could you POSSIBLY expect your kid to grow up and do things for themselves if you're looking over their shoulder yelling at them to do something and yelling at them if they do it wrong.

Sometimes I think I'd make a great fucking parent.

But then again I think I'm kinda better at everything than anyone. It's not my fault I'm proven right most of the time.

The calm before the storm.

Everything is calm.

I'm at a beach and everything is calm. The sun isn't too intense, the breeze isn't too strong and the clouds move at a rate that gives me alternating shade and sun time. I can see the storm that has just passed. I can see the damage it has done and the people trying to fix it all. The smell of rain still lingers and makes the air slightly moist.

As the storm moves further and further away I look to the sea, to the horizon, a definitive line between air and water and I wander what is waiting for me. I'm scared to move in case it hastens the next storm or brings the old one back. I'm scared my subconscious, which is still drunk from the last down pour, is waking and banging on the four walls of the windowless room I've locked him in. He's growing weary and his fits are becoming more aggressive. Any attempts I make to calm him are futile; my words fall on deaf ears.

The wind picks up and blows my hair around, whipping my face and neck. I know there will be another storm but I want to build a fortress that it can't ever break down. I hope that there is enough time. I hope that I can have some help, some support in building it, let me stand on my two feet, regain my balance and face the next storm recharged and ready to fight. The storm devastated my little, peaceful town once and I can't have it happen again. The foundations of this town are cracking and one more storm could wipe it out completely. Leaving nothing but a sandy reach, a desolate place where no one goes.

Bitches be crazy

Excuse my poor grammar.

Girls are insane and I kind of don't like being one sometimes when I hear about the shit they do. The mind games and the bitching and the feuding and the insecurities. We're just built to be crazy. There's moments when I feel a girl-spasm coming on and realise that it's the total wrong way to react to the situation and prevent it from happening. I'm trying my best to keep my deluded view of my own superiority out of this but I just don't get why other girls can't tame this beast we all seem to have in us. Even the butch-est, gayest of girls are still primarily, instinctually girls.

We read into things when we know we shouldn't. We read messages that aren't for us, we do digging, we fight, we scream. We create drama and then complain that life is too stressful. I HATE hearing about issues that involve girls. I'd much, much rather talk about someones depression or what's going on at home than listen to some female bitch and moan about the pettiest of things. And the worst part is girls force lies out of each other.

If a female comes to you complaining about a boyfriend not treating her right or a friend that's been a bit of a dog, just tell her what she wants to here. Because god forbid you tell her the truth. God forbid she hears that her boyfriend really is an arsehole and she should break up with him (not that she'd take that advice) or that her best friend is a total bitch or that she's being overly dramatic about the whole thing. Oh no! Don't you dare tell a girl the truth. Because lying is all we know. Lying is what we're good at.

And I can't link that to anything in the cerebellum. There is not instinct that would possibly coerce us into lying and back stabbing like we do. The only thing I can say is that I believe females need to have their own way. We need to have things our way and everyday seems like a struggle to get it because there's so many other girls looking to get the exact same thing.

I wish it were different and more girls were willing to acknowledge and accept it so they would fucking move on and grow the fuck up.

Because I think we could all benefit from being more manly, mentally sometimes.

paradox.

My stomach aches at the thought of eating. It's not dinner time and I've had lunch so I shouldn't eat, technically. But no, I'm slipping, I've ceased climbing towards happiness and I'm camping out in a weird middle ground where I can't quite figure out what me thoughts or feelings mean. It seems like I'm happy but if I look at the for long enough I'm extremely depressed. It's like an optical illusion inside my brain. One minute I'm convinced I'm ok and the next I feel my lungs start to contract and my throat closing up and before you know it I'm on the verge of hyperventilating.

I'm scared that this crazy dichotomy that's going on in my head is going to ruin everything for me. I just need to make it to the end of the year. For some reason I think things will be different then. The police force should be fully under way. I should know where I stand with the boy. I should have a better income. But for right now the end is so far away. I'm not entirely sure if I have the energy or willpower to stick it out. What if I fail?

I'll let everyone down. This is my last chance to make something of myself and I don't believe I can do it deep down. Because I believe I was born to die. I don't want to live. I feel like my existence is wrong, off kilter. Just not right.

But if I kill myself with that as an explanation I'll leave a few questions in my wake. I need something solid to happen to me. A reason. A scapegoat.

Or I could just pass away from a 'mystery' illness in my sleep.

Disappointing

I came on here with a purpose and I've since lost it.

I get quickly distracted and completely lose my train of thought.

This pressure I've put myself under is immense and I'm struggling. One second I want to cry and the next... I just want to slip away.

Fucking rollercoaster from hell.

I'm sorry.

They tell me that it's over and I'm fine again.

My head is a mess. I don't know what's going on with it anymore. I'm worried about everything, there isn't one thing in my life that I feel comfortable with right now and I don't even know where to start to fix it.

I'm at the beginning of a relationship and I'm already suffering from the same delusions I had before. I'm already worried that I'm not good enough, that I'm just a temporary measure until something better comes along.

I want to reach out and get someone to help me sort my shit out but I feel like if I were to put my hand out there and wait for someone to grab it, it would be smacked away, like a pesky child trying to steal a cookie.

As far as I'm concerned no one wants to deal with me right now. I won't even book another session with my counsellor because I think that he'll get frustrated with the fact that I just have the same problems over and over and over again. I'm just going in a big fucking circle and it's wearing me out.

Being alive is such a struggle, having to deal with all of the nasty things being said in my head.

I want to just run away and relax and not have to WORRY. About money or friends or boyfriends or sex or work or cleaning. I would really appreciate a break from my head. My chest is tight and I'm constantly referring to an ever growing list of things to do;

Don't disappoint anyone
Don't annoy anyone
Don't lie
Don't cheat
Don't upset anyone
Don't force your opinion
Don't ask for help
Don't be persistent about anything
Earn more money
Make more time to work out
Focus on your job
Focus on the police force
Focus on your relationships with those around you

I'm stretched so thin even though everyone else manages this just fine I seem to be too weak to handle even the most mundane of tasks in life.

I am, without a doubt, a failure as a human.

Hullo

I don't know how many people would have died by the time I've finished writing this post. Firstly because I don't know what I'm going  to write about and therefore don't know how long it's going to be and secondly because the internet is so anonymous. It's scary to think how unknown the users are. I follow a blog where people try, as a last ditch attempt, to get some sort of help and because they're all anonymous they all seem like one person threatening to kill themselves over and over and over again. I don't see any follow up posts from any of them and I wonder... 'Did someone just kill themselves right in front of me in real time?' Suicide is so, so fascinating to me. Especially the thoughts that run through a person's head when they believe they've got minutes to live. Do they quickly make sure they've got everything sorted? Do they fret about how their death will affect the people they know? Do they think at all? Is there anything going on in their head at all? I'd love to sit down with a suicide survivor and just talk with them.

I don't like the thought of someone killing themselves without trying to live. I see nothing wrong with suicide, if you're in pain and you need out you should be able to. If there's one thing we should be able to control in our lives it's the time of our demise. But sometimes I think at least half of the successful suicide attempts could have been postponed if not prevented if they just reached out to one person. Just one, someone who can show them compassion and I truly believe you'll find true, strong compassion in strangers, far more than you will with people you know.

Strangers have this way of assuming the worst and thinking that the reason you're so sad must be because of some terrible, terrible, traumatic experience. Whether that's true or not is irrelevant. They'll treat you like you need saving, like you need to live. They won't judge you and use your past in their decision making. They'll look at you and pick you up, dust you off and give you a massive fucking hug. Because they know that's all they can do. Sometimes that's all you need just for the night. When you're feeling shit, on the bottom looking up wondering where else to go. You just need someone who is gentle and kind to hold you for a small amount of time. They don't even need to say anything, they don't have to be a counsellor or a trained professional.

The human spirit is a strong tool that I'm quite proud to possess. I am always here for everyone and I wish I could let that be known to the people that have killed themselves as I'm typing this.

Have faith in me.

This fucking generation. My fucking generation.

People are so quick to judge and put things in the 'wrong' basket. On impluse they'll reject everything until it's proven to be safe and then crawl out from their caves and accept it. Of course I'm talking about the 'Kony' situation.

I understand what the guy is trying to do and believe it or not, he's fucking succeeded whether it was in the way he intended or not. Perhaps it was his plan all along. As soon as the video came out everyone started attacking it, right down to grammar and superflous incorrect pieces of information.

It's almost as it some people are so fucking scared of being 'wrong' or 'left wing' that they would prefer to be harsh judges than active, thoughtful, individual citizens. God forbid you are ridiculed on the internet or thought of as 'weird' because you support a cause that others see unfit. Fuck them.

The guy that has organised Kony 2012 was intending to get the crimes of Kony recognised, get his name in the news and make it a global matter that Kony is stopped. You know what the stuck-up-starbuck-drinking-apple-iPad users are saying? That the information is incorrect, the Children Soldiers aren't attacking Uganda and haven't been for 5 years,  they've moved to other countries and the attacks have decreased in ubiquity and severity. That, in my way of thinking, is a fucking stupid thing to point out. The point of the movement wasn't to 'educate everyone in the world on the location of Uganda as well as get MORE armed forces into the country' the purpose was to 'get Kony famous and make the U.S GOVERNMENT realise that it is an important, relevant issue of which the funding should not be cut or decreased. He is not asking for a war in Uganda he is pleading to the people to make sure the governments know that Kony must be stopped and that can't happen if the government doesn't realise that millions of people care about it and will be ropeable if Kony is left to continue his horrible crimes.

Another point the anti-Kony 2012 clan made was the the funding that was donated was not entirely spent on the Ugandan people, most of it went to advertising material. Again, I see nothing wrong with this. I don't recall, after watching the video, hearing that the money I pledged would be used solely to help those who have been injured or otherwise affected by attacks from the LRA. The organisation wasn't set up as a charity for 'Victims of the LRA', it was set up to get people to get Kony's name out there. To get people to recognise the types of crimes that are being committed under the dark veil of TV commercialisation. And IT FUCKING WORKED. So if I had organised this whole thing and had people complaining that I had a few facts wrong and blah this and blah that but they now knew Kony's name... I would have succeeded and that's all that matters. Soon the governments will become interested with the hype the internet has created and the massive segregationg that has formed as people argue the integrity of the whole thing.

The bottom line is, if you're still reading, that Kony will be stopped, which ever country he is in, with what ever dwindling army he has left. So fuck the haters. :)

I'm suffocating.

I made a mistake. My anger got the better of me. I need to hurt myself, I need something to show my parents when they question me about what I did. I can show them; 'see, look, I've already been punished. Just go back to you blinding ignorance, it's fine.'

Old shit that was in the drafts folder #2

People have a right to judge.

As long as they have seen everything, done everything, smelt everything, heard everything, though everything. And I mean EVERYTHING.

I know my situation is nothing compared to those who have hard time trying to find food for the family. But about a week ago we were trying to find things that we could sell to Cash Converters just to get fuel in our cars. After dealing with the chest pains that gave me I became more aware of those how are actually facing financial hardship must feel. We see people wearing the cheapest clothes and shoes available and we call them poor or lazy. We judge. But we don't know what it's like to have no money. We don't full comprehend a situation unless we are experiencing it. I think a lot of the Human Race's ability to sympathise has been lost over recent years due to events such as 9/11 and all the bombings that followed, as well as the natural disasters the world is throwing at as at a rate of one per year.

Old shit that was in the drafts folder #1

So someone who uses the computer is AUTOMATICALLY over weight, pimple ridden and addicted to junk food? Fucking generalisations and stereotypes.

So a gamer has no friends, no life, no hope? (Although most gamers I've met are like that) That's not how it works.

So someone who doesn't share the same opinion with you on one topic makes them the complete opposite of you?

I hate the way people feel compelled to put people into category boxes. And what for? So they can retrieve them at a later date, perfectly preserved?

I also hate the way people force their opinion on you when you don't want it. You don't have to read someone's blog, you don't have to read someone's facebook. But when they're on the phone to you or in your face they think you want to hear what they think of everything.

I don't fucking care. If I value your opinion I will seek it. If I don't, I'd much rather you shut up.

Urges.

Sometimes I get really worried that I'm going to do something stupid and won't be able to control myself. Like I have this massive urge to swap my brisbane soundwave ticket for one in melbourne. For no reason at all. And I can't trust myself that I won't do it. It happens with driving, I have to focus really hard to not drive into a barricade on a bridge sometimes because I have the urge to hit it and see if my car will go over the edge.

Strange urges that frighten me and I don't know where they're coming from.

She still floats.

I get upset and scared by some of the things I read on Tumblr. Most of the people I follow post typical Tumblr things but there's a few that I wish would talk to me. I don't know them, their story and they don't know me. But there are people out there that need someone and it fucking makes me sick that their friends and family have deserted them and they've resorted to finding solace in an online community.

Everyone on Tumblr says they're there for each other and I don't understand, if there are billions of users, why the world isn't as giving and thoughtful as Tumblr leads me to believe. Maybe we're so focused on segregating different parts of our lives that the people we communicate with on the Internet are completely separate to those we see everyday. Ultimately the Internet is anonymous and you don't know who you're talking to.

I just get really sad and worried about the youth that is out there, right now thinking about killing themselves. I keep thinking that I could have saved them. Maybe if they talking to me or if I reached out to them I could have saved them. I could have prolonged their life just a little and made it better. I want so bad to affect someones life in a positive way because I believe I've only really effected people negatively. I want someone to know that there is a person out there waiting to hear from them, waiting to know that they're alive and kicking. I want someone to find colour again. Put a smile on some one's face.

I need to be involved with the youth of Australia some how and I think volunteering with lifeline is a start. I want to start a fucking revolution, I want to change my town, my state, my country.

I want this place to be a place where people want to live, not die.

It appears I'm only writing to one person on here. I don't know who you are. Do you have any requests? Would you like to know my opinion on something?

Right now I'm battling some kind of battle between wanting to be healthy and wanting to eat everything until I vomit. And out of no where a voice tells me I shouldn't eat at all.

The fucking weather is shit and I feel like this. Yesterday was sunny and beautiful and I was motivated, excited about my progress. Now, I look outside and all I want to do is cry and sleep and drink tea and alcohol. I need to leave this climate. I need the police force to work out for me. Just this one thing I can't let myself fuck up.

Sorry for disappointing you.

Superiority complex?

I'm anonymous on Tumblr, I just reblog, it's just a past time for me. The people on there are... just like me. It's astounding how much I think, where are these people in real life?! Why don't I have friends like this? But when I read this, I felt like it was written about me. For me. I have an issue with thinking that I'm better than anyone else. I went and saw a counsellor and he said that I'm very intelligent. It fuelled the fire and then he turned around and told me I was no different. I wasn't as unique as I thought I was. Not as special as I want to be. This post on tumblr was like hearing that again. If I don't have superiority I don't have anything. I think it has something to do with being an eldest child. There's a lot of studies about it. Maybe that's part of the reason that I want to join the police force. Any career that I choose I would aim to be the boss of everyone. The one that everyone seeks help from. Of course, I've never had arguments on Tumblr or ever even said the C-word. I can't even type it. But I do get frustrated when people use poor grammar, don't make sense, fail to see logic. I find it difficult to be around someone who is so content with being... stupid. Not because of a disability but because they didn't feel that they needed education, they didn't NEED to learn how to spell correctly. It shits me that there are still people that don't appreciate the free (to a degree) education we're offered. Some people just don't have the desire to learn, I know that.
I wish everything was different.
I also hate being patronised. I can guarantee that I know more than most people over 25 in Melton. People don't know as much as you think they do.


...There I go again.